A Historic Day, February 17, 2009

In a wholly unprecedented change from the previous several years, and in a move that I am sure most Americans will remember either for better or for worse, today was a historic day. Today just happened to be the day, that right here in Denver, the Mile High City, I watched almost an entire American Idol episode. Without complaining, I might add! AND, I learned something.
I learned that I could be a judge on that show. I heard a twenty-two year old male of arabian descent sing "Angel of Mine", a song originally sung by an African American woman, Monica (he may has well have sang "The Boy is Mine" it was so gay); a fashionista caucasian female sang "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic" and substitute "he" for "she" (this was so terrible that words can't even begin to describe it); a very hip young african american male sang something really forgettable by Michael Jackson (whose indefinable gender is well known, but I think he is something like an adolescent girl with all the hormonal changes he must experience daily. I'm sorry, that was very sexist and insensitive of me); a caucasian christian church choir directing male sang "Hero", a song originally performed by Mariah Carey (a woman who to this day I don't know if she is caucasian or african american, but she dated Derek Jeter, who interestingly enough, I don't know what race he is either) and they finished up their quality programming with a latina from Puerto Rico whose last name mean "of the bull" who sang "Saving All My Love For You", originally performed by the wonderfully african american female, Whitney Houston (who after she married Bobby Brown ended up looking like she had been in a bull fight for the rest of her life). After all these very talented, very confused young people sang their part, I accurately predicted what the judges would say!
Randy Jackson, the whitest black guy on earth would call the singer "Dog" and then complain that he didn't know who they were as a performer. The new judge, who heaven help me I have never seen in my life, would agree with whatever Randy said. Paula with her massive, unplucked eyebrows straight off of Debbie Gibsons 1988 face would try and make the person feel better about themselves and would ultimately come out looking like she has vodka in her giant red coca-cola cup, and Simon, the only reason to watch the show, with his horrid man-breasts would systematically breakdown the persons spirit. Now I know that this is not news to anyone that has ever seen the show, so it brings me to my point.
WHY, after something like 6 years are we watching this show. WHY is it getting more popular? WHY is this considered entertainment. I have never sat down and watched the show, and I KNOW how it will play out! We need more quality programming, like The Colbert Report or Scrubs or Too Close For Comfort! History will be made twice today. I am officially declaring reality television, in all it's forms, dead. Today is the day that Reality TV will begin it's decline into history to take it's place alongside other such fantastic fads as highwater jeans, pink cadillacs, disco music and those mesh tank tops that guys in the 80's used to wear. I am tired of seeing how "real" people react on "live" television. And, YES, American Idol falls into this category. So, America, today will be the proverbial "gun shot heard round the world" and you will forever remember February 17, 2009 as the day that your television viewing experience changed.
Oh, and also the day that some guy signed some irrelevant bill or something. But that's a story for a different day.