A Historic Day, February 17, 2009

In a wholly unprecedented change from the previous several years, and in a move that I am sure most Americans will remember either for better or for worse, today was a historic day. Today just happened to be the day, that right here in Denver, the Mile High City, I watched almost an entire American Idol episode. Without complaining, I might add! AND, I learned something.
I learned that I could be a judge on that show. I heard a twenty-two year old male of arabian descent sing "Angel of Mine", a song originally sung by an African American woman, Monica (he may has well have sang "The Boy is Mine" it was so gay); a fashionista caucasian female sang "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic" and substitute "he" for "she" (this was so terrible that words can't even begin to describe it); a very hip young african american male sang something really forgettable by Michael Jackson (whose indefinable gender is well known, but I think he is something like an adolescent girl with all the hormonal changes he must experience daily. I'm sorry, that was very sexist and insensitive of me); a caucasian christian church choir directing male sang "Hero", a song originally performed by Mariah Carey (a woman who to this day I don't know if she is caucasian or african american, but she dated Derek Jeter, who interestingly enough, I don't know what race he is either) and they finished up their quality programming with a latina from Puerto Rico whose last name mean "of the bull" who sang "Saving All My Love For You", originally performed by the wonderfully african american female, Whitney Houston (who after she married Bobby Brown ended up looking like she had been in a bull fight for the rest of her life). After all these very talented, very confused young people sang their part, I accurately predicted what the judges would say!
Randy Jackson, the whitest black guy on earth would call the singer "Dog" and then complain that he didn't know who they were as a performer. The new judge, who heaven help me I have never seen in my life, would agree with whatever Randy said. Paula with her massive, unplucked eyebrows straight off of Debbie Gibsons 1988 face would try and make the person feel better about themselves and would ultimately come out looking like she has vodka in her giant red coca-cola cup, and Simon, the only reason to watch the show, with his horrid man-breasts would systematically breakdown the persons spirit. Now I know that this is not news to anyone that has ever seen the show, so it brings me to my point.
WHY, after something like 6 years are we watching this show. WHY is it getting more popular? WHY is this considered entertainment. I have never sat down and watched the show, and I KNOW how it will play out! We need more quality programming, like The Colbert Report or Scrubs or Too Close For Comfort! History will be made twice today. I am officially declaring reality television, in all it's forms, dead. Today is the day that Reality TV will begin it's decline into history to take it's place alongside other such fantastic fads as highwater jeans, pink cadillacs, disco music and those mesh tank tops that guys in the 80's used to wear. I am tired of seeing how "real" people react on "live" television. And, YES, American Idol falls into this category. So, America, today will be the proverbial "gun shot heard round the world" and you will forever remember February 17, 2009 as the day that your television viewing experience changed.
Oh, and also the day that some guy signed some irrelevant bill or something. But that's a story for a different day.

Yellow Shirts, Google and Anger Management

And stimulus packages! I am so glad that for the last week I have been told by a VERY reliable source (the advertisements on the side of my facebook page) that Obama himself might show up on my doorstep and hand me a minimum of $12,000 dollars to pay all of my outstanding debt. HOORAY FLAMING LIBERALISM!!! I mean, with a minimum of $12,000 dollars I will have no more worries in my life. I can pay my Home Depot, Gap, Target, Joseph A. Bank, Whole Foods, Sinclair and Bank of America lines of credit! (On a totally unrelated note, when I was in high school I got a job telemarketing. One night I spoke to a lady that told me that she had over $3500 dollars in credit card debt on a Victoria's Secret card. That seemed unacceptable to me. On ANOTHER unrelated note, at the same job a man with the last name of Fivekiller asked a co-worker of mine the address of our work so he could find her and kill her. But don't worry! Along with a stimulus package we are also passing laws to outlaw self protection. No more "Make My Day" laws. HOORAY SOCIALISM!!!) Once my outstanding debt is paid, the world will be rosy. Forget the fact that we have already exceeded a trillion dollars of national debt, we want to spend another trillion! 335,000,000 of which will be used to educate us on how to not contract STD's! The think tank of the United States is clearly, head and shoulders above the rest of the world. If only those dang Europeans could figure out the concept of abstinence then they wouldn't all be viral breeding grounds. Maybe we should include them in our 335,000,000 dollar venture. That being said, I suppose that I should talk about Janette, since she is getting mad at me and all.
And speaking of getting mad, since she got pregnant all she does is hit me! "Hey, get me some milk!" WHACK! "I'm going to the bathroom." WHACK! "Let's watch Lost tonight." WHACK!!! And anyone that knows Janette knows that she had these tendencies previous to her pregnancy, but little Carolina has somehow magnified her emotions and turned her into a Red Hot Ball of Fury. I can't even lie down in bed next to her without some rude comment. "Turn the lights out, stupid." "Open the window you worthless pile of flesh." Have I done anything to deserve this? Honestly? I think it's a bit excessive but the lady that taught the birthing class says "This is normal for her to be a bit emotional." A BIT? Do my individually broken fingers look like she was a BIT emotional?
And how about that lady. What a wiece of perk. I'm alright with people laughing at their own jokes, BUT ONLY IF IT'S LEGITIMATELY FUNNY! This lady was about as funny as wall paper and she giggled at every "joke" that she made. It's preposterous to me as well that this lady had to have a degree to teach that class. I think I could have taught all of the same things after reading a pamphlet in a waiting room. Not to be overly rude but the whole process was extremely unnecessary. (Janette just disagreed. "IT WAS TOO NECESSARY YOU SLOB!!!" WHACK!)
And now for what everyone has been waiting for. Six weeks left. Time is just about up! We have bags upon bags of free baby clothes. A huge bonus for us. We have the car seat that snaps into a base for the car AND the stroller. We have the rocker swing and the bouncy chair and the bathing tub and the co-sleeper and I am making a crib and everything is just peaches. The only thing we don't have is a little kid to keep us awake late at night. Six weeks and we'll have that too. We are excited. And scared. We stay awake at night with uncontrollable urination between the two of them. Just six more weeks...
Maybe we will post again between now and then, maybe not. Just depends on if Janette lets me.